The Legend of the Conception of Rhode Island
by KoshKing777
Summary: A bizzare crackficish epic about Hermes and Aphrodite's child: Hermaphrodite. Also centers around Zeus and Oedipus Rex.


**The Legend of the Conception of Rhode Island**

_A Grecian Myth_

Around that time that the Puritans settled in Massachusetts, the messenger god Hermes developed a mind-consuming crush on the goddess of love, Aphrodite. No matter how hard he tried to erase her from his thoughts, there her perfect form remained in his mind. As a result, he would get sidetracked while running scrolls to-and-from Greece and somehow wind up in Eurasia. He reasoned that this crush was her doing, and determined himself to talk to her. But as he thought about what to talk about, his thoughts grew awry. He began to long for a son to take up his guild, since he himself was getting fat and could barely even lift himself off the ground with his foot-wings.

At any rate, he could wait no longer to seek her out. Although today happened to be an Olympian holiday, Aphrodite would certainly be at the garden in the Hilly Glades of East Manor, where she almost always resided. As soon as the drunken Lord Zeus raised his tumbler and cried, "Thus begins the 32nd bi-quarterly Neptunian celebration!" and cheers erupted, Hermes swept out over Hilly Glades, the grass curving under his displacement. He darted through a thousand trees and came to the giant ambrose tree where Aphrodite practiced her art. Hermes noticed that she was cuddling with a strange dog with two tails.

Hermes became chock full of jealousy and flew forward, forcing himself on Aphrodite. Suddenly the dog mutated to adopt the form of Cupid, who precisely fired his longbow into Hermes's abdomen. Hermes shone with an inner orchid light, and then exploded into oblivion, illuminating the entire night sky for kilometers on end!

The drunken gods at the party saw the lights and ran stumblingly to the crime scene. Cupid bent down and mended his mistress's wounds, but couldn't help but notice that she had become considerably pregnant. Artemis, the goddess of painless birth, guided the young baby out.

As is custom in Olympia, Artemis named the baby by combining its parents' names: so she named it 'Hermaphrodite.' All was deathly quiet as soon as she had uttered the name. Names are extremely influential in Olympus, and, sure enough, the newborn was sexless. (She was slightly feminine-looking, however, so she will hereafter be referred to as a goddess.) The phenomenon was so of the World of Dimness that it contributed considerable darkness to the bright night of Olympus!

Hephaestus cut off Artemis's head as punishment, and Apollo, outraged, challenged Hephaestus to a duel! Hephaestus burned Apollo's eyes with his refiner's fire, and, having gained the upper hand, cut Apollo up into 187 bloody pieces, which he then scattered randomly throughout the forest.

Hermaphrodite grew up overnight, as all gods do, and, sentenced to perish in the World of Dimness from whence she came, found herself in a court ceremony ruled by Lord Zeus, who, incidentally, was now suffering from a severe hangover. The next thing she knew, Hermaphrodite was drop-kicked into the abyss by Hephaestus.

The sky was perfectly clear all around Hermaphrodite, so the gods would surely see her if she tried anything suspicious. Hermaphrodite, however, had studied Grecian lore last night and learned that the demigod of clouds, Foogleman, was a hermaphrodite, so he could theoretically become her ally. She spoke his holy prayer in the ancient tongue, and his furry, glamorous form appeared hovering next to her. "Foogleman! Please shield me from the gods' sight!" Hermaphrodite pleaded.

Foogleman hooted in reply and quickly congealed clouds over them. He also congealed a giant hand for her to land on safely. Hermaphrodite turned to Foogleman and bowed politely. "Thank you."

Foogleman squinted and hooted. Hermaphrodite turned and scanned the world of dimness with her grey eyes. "I need a place to live, apart from the dirty humans!" She glared at that the ominous wall that was Mount Olympus. "I will take my land from theirs – I will show them that, among gods, all are holy!"

As Hermaphrodite is the goddess of Rhodes, she summoned 94,000 Rhodes (orange plant-men) to break off a slab of a tropical portion of the wall that was 9 leagues in diameter. She dived off the clouds and landed in the forest that quickly fell towards the sea. It corkscrewed down the mountainside until it finally dashed underwater without a single splash and then resurfaced, shimmering in the pale afternoon sunlight. Hermaphrodite summoned 3 Rhodes to carry her to the center of the island. There she stood erect and stabbed her holy saber into the ground. "This ground will henceforth be known round the world as Rhode Island, as it is the only island that can support these beasts," she said to no one in particular. "My power flows throughout this island, and all who dwell here will receive my blessing for the rest of their lives. May we live in peace forevermore in this earthly paradise!"

Thus said she disguised herself as a Rhode and dwelled underground with them. And the island drifted mindlessly through the waves.

* * *

20 years later, Lord Zeus soared over the ocean waves in the World of Dimness and suddenly sensed an alarming amount of sexiness somewhere 45 degrees to the east. Rubbing his hands together, he altered his course and soon came upon a large, tropical island riddled with human settlements. "By thunder, the jackpot!" Lord Zeus proclaimed. He landed in the middle of town and warmed himself up on 22 female pioneers, and then announced, "Alright, now where is this new hotness?!?"

His various mates all pointed beyond a smooth, grassy hill. "By thunder!" he screamed, breaking all the men's eardrums and making half of the women swoon and the other half burn up due to a sudden increase of electrons in their body. He ate a special box of chocolate-ambrosian mints and tunneled through the very hillside by the power of leadership!

He cleverly disguised himself as a wild peacock and snuck up on the maiden, twitching his head in anticipation. The maiden ran up to the very peak of the hill and began singing "The Sound of Music!" A large company of frightened Rhodes had congregated to hear her.

Zeus couldn't hold back anymore! He reared back, mooed loudly, and shot off towards her hindquarters. They collided and tumbled down the mountainside. The Rhodes screamed or exploded and made room for the new couple to land. Zeus transformed back into himself and stood up. The maiden was in a state of shock and was already very pregnant.

"By thunder!" Zeus declared, "It's a revolution! Never before have I seen such an enflamed pregnancy!" He clapped her on the back. "You are the most fertile being of all reality!" he exclaimed.

"Oh…good…" said the comatose maiden.

When he judged they were ready, Zeus reached and ripped out all twenty children from her body. Only…they weren't children – they were the noble hero, Oedipus, and his 19 loyal knights in shining armour!!!

"By jove, I'm alive again!" Oedipus cried, itching his empty eye-sockets.

"By thunder! Oedipus!" Zeus exclaimed, "How…what, on earth…"

Oedipus poked Zeus with his stick and said, "What? Zeus? DIIIIIEEEEE, YOU BLOWHARD BALLOONIGAN TYCO TOYTRUCK VAGINA MAN!!! I HATE THE GODS!!! I HATE'EM!!!"

Zeus put a hand on his shoulder, "Son, son, you don't understand! The only reason that blowhard Apollo put you through all that hellfire and damnation was that he was jealous that you were my son, not his!"

Oedipus's eye-sockets widened. "What in the Flanigan Flames are you talking about?"

Zeus smiled sweetly. "Both Apollo and I had an affair with worthy Jocasta from the day of her betrovement!" He nudged Oedipus. "Hey, hey, hey! Like father, like son, eh?"

Oedipus's jaw dropped as he felt his now-sore ribs. "Wha! You mean Laertes wasn't even my father?!?"

Zeus grinned widely. "Of course not! You're **my** son! And Apollo was always jealous about that fact, so he took out his anger on your life!"

Oedipus was silent as he brooded on this new insight. His knights were standing around boredly, until one of them noticed a fine citar lying on the ground. Sir Whitney squealed in delight and bent down to pick it up when Hermaphrodite suddenly shot out of the ground and grabbed the instrument. "This is one of my most sacred relics! Only the worthy may touch it!" She swiftly cut off Sir Whitney's head before realizing she had company. "Oh my!" she exclaimed, seeing Zeus and stepping back. "Z-Zeus!"

Zeus glared at her hybrid form. "You! Aren't you supposed to be dead or something?"

When Hermaphrodite didn't answer right away, Zeus promptly forgot about her and turned back to Oedipus. "Anyways, Oed, Apollo's dead now, so you don't have to be an atheist anymore!"

Oedipus stroked his strawberry-blonde beard. "Hmm… so now since I know I'm really half-god, is there any way for me to become a god?"

Zeus waved his hand in dismissal. "Of course there is! All you have to do is prove yourself to be a true hero!...No! Wait! Now you're **twice** my son, so you're 100 god, right now, even!"

Oedipus leaped into the air with ecstasy.

Hermaphrodite spoke up, "But what about this maiden's human blood? Did it just get flushed down the toilet or something? Where did it end up? Shouldn't he be, like, 75 god or something?"

"You question the word of Zeus?" Zeus retorted and smacked her upside the head so hard that she went flying over the horizon.

"So," Oedipus said, peeing his pants in excitement, "What god am I going to be?"

Zeus examined his specimen. "Well perhaps it would be prudent to name you as the god of urine!"

Oedipus's smile disappeared. "…what?"

Zeus belly laughed. "Well, there's never been a god of urine before, has there? Oh, I don't why I didn't think of this before, it's such a good idea, by thunder!"

Oedipus crossed his arms, saying nothing. Sir Boy and Sir Nicolas had by this time organized a musicians' guild with various instruments lying around the area, and all 18 knights were having a hoedown to music produced by a sitar, a ukulele, a xylophone, and a baritone. Suddenly, the entire island groaned, and began tilting to the southwest! Lightweight Rhodes came flying out of the ground! Great kegs of ale came rolling and exploding all over the place!

Lord Zeus narrowed his eyes. "I sense an evil presence here!" He turned to Oedipus. "Follow, pledgling, and test your mettle against the legions of Evil!" Oedipus nodded and the two went stomping over the springy ground.

"Wait (hiccup) Lord Zeus!" Sir Mulberry exclaimed drunkedly, having been seized by one of the celestial ale barrels, "we all have your blood in us tooo, NOW! Can't we just be gods, too?"

Zeus considered, stroking his vast beard, and finally said, "Well, I don't really see why not, by thunder! Come on!"

A great, hearty "Hey!!!" arose from the throng of knights as they toasted to their newfound God-dom. One by one they rose into the air and were bestowed with new privileges!

First came good Sir Nicolas, who became the radiant god of light!

Next went rascally Sir Mahogany, who became the general god of pain!

Then rose delicate Lady Vladys, who became the venerable goddess of granite!

Additionally lifted was feminine Sir Boy, who became the impressive god of hawklets.

Purposefully added was wealthy Sir Mustard, who became the great god of windshields!

As a matter of necessity, adulturous Lady Mustard became the honorable goddess of windshield wipers!

After the God Selection committee detected that Lady Mustard was cheating on her husband, Sir and Lady Mustard became, respectively, the gods of cuckoldry and prostitution. Their previous powers were bestowed upon the twins Sir Lily and Lady Flytrap.

Musically included was brutish Sir Mulberry, who became the grandiose god of alchoholics.

Sexually invited was the kinky Lady Mauve, who became the distinct god of cross-dressing.

Fruitfully stacked on was the unkempt Sir Eggsald, who became the delicious god of nacho cheese of all kinds! He gained the ability to turn his body into scalding hot nacho cheese, fly on blazing nacho cheese comets, stick his opponents in place, smite them to death with hordes of processed and melted cheese, and bless all those who eat this ambrosiatic supplement.

Unfortunately initiated was ignorant Sir Sloth, who became the crusty god of tar pits.

Band members Sirs Roderigo, Mercutio, Horatio, and Basil became the gods of, respectively, Bunnies, Hippos, Parrots, and Walruses.

Dramatically selected was the ponderous Sir Sooch, who became the perverted god of penguins, deriving from his statement that he just wanted to "waddle around and have sex all day."

And, of course, good Oedipus became the benevolent and philanthropic god of urine.

After these proceedings, Lord Zeus clapped his hands loudly. "Alright, fellow gods… ON to BATTLE!"

Everyone started, but suddenly Zeus cried, "HOLD UP!" causing everyone to trip and fall over. Zeus beamed at sweaty but sexy Lady Mustard. "Just for good measure I think I shall test Lady Mustard's new, ahem, abILITIES!"

Lady Mustard beamed back and presented her chest. Sir Mustard cried out as indescribable pain ripped through his soul. Zeus walked stockily over and reached for her breast when Hermaphrodite suddenly teleported right in front of him through the power of Rhode Island, causing Zeus to grab her boob instead. Zeus, however, was in the throws of his heroin addiction, and didn't notice the exchange. Hermaphrodite's breath caught and she gazed dreamily at his strong chin. Zeus whisked her off into the nearby jungle, but not before he adopted the form of a wild giraffe, and all the new gods listened in on the ensuing narration by Zeus: "Now, down to business… hmm!… ahem!… ahoo! ...aheh! ...ah, what **quality…**what **texture…**oh my!…ooh!...wait…there's…there's something…nope, nope, just kidding…no, wait…look, look…reaching…down…and…**EEEEEEEEKK! IT'S A SNAKE! IT'S TRYING TO MURDER MY TESTICLES! AAAAAAAACKK! RUN AWAY!!!!!"**

Zeus erupted out of the bushes, holding himself snugly. He bounded around the other gods, talking indecipherably. The lovely, but hybrid, Hermaphrodite crawled out slowly, her face aglow with a massive, recent pleasure. She carried her rather hulking pregnancy well for a non-female. Zeus rounded on her. "You!"

Hermaphrodite smiled back lovingly, drooling a little.

Zeus began shaking spasmodically with inexpressible rage. Then Zeus realized the appropriate way to express it. He exploded a light year into the turtle green heavens, and came back two years later in two seconds, with all his anger concentrated into a single, monstrous, karate chop to Hermaphrodite's beautiful face. Hermaphrodite collapsed, her head floating swimmingly in a newly appeared pool of blood.

Zeus was still holding his crotch. "Ewwwwwwww, I've gotta redeem my manhood!" Suddenly he noticed that the sexy maiden from earlier had recovered and was entertaining a newly congregated congregation of Rhodes with a recitation of "Mambo No. 5." Zeus began panting heavily and shot off towards the Kodak moment.

* * *

Oedipus looked hurriedly around as the island shuddered again. "Everyone! We have to do SOMETHING or we're all going to perish!"

Hermaphrodite shot up suddenly, her attractive dark blue curls bouncing. "Wait… my island's in trouble?!?!"

"Aye, mi…er, milady," Sir Nicolas put in. "Lord Zeus said something about the legions of Evil attacking this island."

Hermaphrodite began to breathe heavily. "Well then, we must fend them off or else all the foolish mortals blessed by my island will die!"

"As well as us!" Sir Lily said stoically.

"So…what are we waiting for?" Hermaphrodite exclaimed, jumping on Foogleman, who happened to be nearby. "Attackkk!!!"

All the knights shouted "Hey!" and everyone started questing towards the southwest shore. They went through a jungly glade, a deep gorge, and a slimy glen (Here, Sir Lily produced 20 windshields for everyone to ride safely across on.).

Soon the entire company arrived at a great brink overlooking the entire southwest shore. All anyone could see for kilometers on end were googles upon googles of hideous creatures from the World of Darkness. The legion was led by a titanic red-armoured wooly mammoth with great, folded wings, 13 steel tusks, fiery breath, and an awesome portable mic system. He was aided by three even larger mammoths with black armour.

"Oh, my god!" Lady Vladys exclaimed at the ominous sight.

"It's…it's an entire PLETHORA of monsters!" Hermaphrodite exclaimed. "Fall back!"

The noble knights gladly complied, and everyone hid in the swampy glen. "Hmm…" Hermaphrodite thought out loud, "I shall invoke the power of Zeus, and then we shall destroy them!"

"Hey!!!" all the knights cheered.

Hermaphrodite built an altar through the technique of the Rhodes and spoke a summons in the ancient language. Zeus appeared, holding his beloved maiden. Hermaphrodite adopted an erotic expression and stared dumbly at the god king.

"Woohoo! Now THIS is what I'm talking about!" Lord Zeus proclaimed. "Get in a heap of trouble and call on Lord Zeus! I like that!"

Oedipus spoke up when Hermaphrodite didn't. "Guess what? An entire PLETHORA of monsters have just convened beyond that ridge! WHAT are we gonna do?"

"Yes, yes, I know this already," Zeus waved him off. " I just bred 800 descendants with this fine specimen of a woman on the northeast side in order to balance the island's weight in order to buy us more time. I also ordered the villagers to temporarily relocate to that same shore."

"Um, good," Oedipus replied.

Hermaphrodite glowered jealously at the woman as she dismounted Foogleman. "Yo, what's your name, slut?"

The fine-featured maiden was in a state of drug-like ecstasy, but managed to dictate, "Helen."

Zeus's jaw dropped. "E, Gad! Not THE Helen of Troy?!?"

Helen's head bobbed. "The very same."

Zeus tossed her whipping into the air and caught her three seconds later. "By thunder! Now I know why 50 plethoras of men gave up their netherparts to win you over!"

Hermaphrodite approached him in a seductive manner. "Lord Zeus, if it would behoove you, please pluck out our child."

"It behooves me not!" Zeus retorted, kicking her in her crotches. Hermaphrodite gagged and collapsed in the swampy bog.

"Now then!" Zeus commanded mightily. "Everyone – draw your godsabres!"

The knights obeyed, unsheathing their holy new blades and pointing them up in a circle.

"Okay, 'to be or not to be', on 3," Zeus proclaimed.

"**1, 2, 3, TO BE OR NOT TO BE – ****THAT**** IS THE QUESTION!**" the drunken circle erupted.

", by thunder!" Zeus added.

With that, the gallant gods (Helen stayed back with Hermaphrodite) leapt through the trees and landed all the way down on the shore. All the beasts froze, and all but the elephants began to retreat.

"Let none of those blowhard buttholes escape!" Zeus screamed. All the gods began to slash randomly but accurately among the plethora, downing several hundreds of monsters in mere seconds. The gods fought in this manner to great avail for several minutes, leaving Zeus and Oedipus to deal with the mammoth.

"Penis," said the red-armoured titan through its mic system.

"Ha! I thought as much!" Zeus shouted in triumph and he began assaulting them, using Oedipus as an electrically charged spear. But the titans matched man-for-tusk at light speed perfectly, making the two teams equals.

"Keep working on 'em, Oed!" Zeus announced, dropping Oedipus and forming an almighty thundercloud overhead. The beasts didn't appear to notice, so Zeus unleashed the lightning fury to its maximum charge! The entire battlefield was lit brighter than Zeus's bedroom, but the titans' titanic armour completely absorbed the bolts.

"Hm, only a slight deterrent," Zeus proclaimed when Oedipus stared in awe at him. Zeus unstrapped his tunic and dropped it to the ground. Oedipus turned gay. Zeus entered a state of progressive meditation, and then summoned, from the tangled depths of his complete coat of fur on his chest, the three almighty, electric, Olympian Jedi Knights: Gun-Jack, Nin-Jack, and Po (Po is a little Native American rascal.)! All three knights began attacking the monstrous mammoth.

The mammoth said, intelligibly, "Penis," and breathed a great plume of fire at the Jedi. The Jedi cast a force mirror that reflected the great flame back at the elephant. The fires ate through and melted the mammoth's armour. The mammoth suddenly broke out of the armor, revealing that it wasn't a mammoth at all, but just an overgrown guinea pig-looking thing of some sort. It used its fierce knowledge of the dark side to remove Po from existence.

"No!" Zeus exclaimed. "Not Po!"

The entire plethora of monsters appeared to get egged on by this small victory, and the great westward and southward wings of the enemy army about faced and began to fight back.

Zeus quickly formed a second thundercloud and demolished the tusked guinea pig with an array of lightning, but it was too late – the tide had turned. The monsters began to lay it on more heavily, and the battle raged on for hours on end. But although the gods fought valiantly, monsters spawned more quickly than the gods could cut them down. Finally Zeus ordered a retreat and the gods flew back to the glen, leaving the enemy on the shore. Zeus ordered a strategic meeting, but called it a 'Pow-wow' in Po's honor.

"Okay everyone…er, I don't have any idea what to do," Zeus began.

"I've always loved you," Oedipus told him.

"Aww, come here, you!" Zeus crooned and embraced Oed, giving him a big, juicy kiss. Zeus turned back to the throng of warriors with an impressive erection. "Anyways, I've spent my hand. I can't think what else to do."

"Why don't you just call Athena, and ask her?" Helen suggested.

"By thunder, what a brilliant idea! Isn't she just brilliant!?!"

But no one seemed to especially care what Zeus thought of Helen, with the exception of Hermaphrodite and Oedipus, who both glared at Helen jealously.

So Zeus summoned his favorite daughter, who appeared nude among an array of grey feathers.

"What is your will, father?" Athena growled. Her green-grey hair flew furiously out behind her head, as if she were constantly gliding through the air. Although she was busty, no one in their right mind would ever admit that she was beautiful. Whatever potential for beauty her facial features exhibited was quickly marred by the infinite wisdom, calculative-ness, and coldness that lay beyond her grey eyes and white lips. This alien wisdom immediately perverted any beauty she might otherwise have harbored so that all the men but Zeus grew uncomfortably antsy.

"Well you see, Athena, dear," Zeus began, "We are fighting a great plethora of dark monsters, and, well, we don't know how to defeat them."

"Well, call Hades. Duh! He's the Lord of Darkness. Gosh, you're such a moron, father! A real insult to our family!"

"Um, but…"

"Oh, shut up, you pathetic wretch! If you call and ask me for help for a stupid problem one more time, I swear by my birth that I will mutilate you with a scalpel! Do you want that? Mutilation by scalpel!?! Having you for a king literally erases all hope in my mind for government! So I'm becoming an anarchist right here, right now!" She turned to the others with both thumbs up, trying to rally them. "Thumbs up for anarchy!" she declared. No one moved. Athena winked at Sir Sooch and wagged her tongue at him. She then exploded back to Olympia with a blinding flash. Sir Sooch promptly stabbed himself with his godsabre and he dropped to the ground, dead.

Zeus turned and grinned to everybody. "Isn't she just too adorable?"

Sir Roderigo stroked his gotee. "Zeus, should we really call Hades? Isn't he, I mean, kind of a rotten guy?"

"Aye, rotten to the core, he is," Zeus agreed grudginly. "But only a donkey would question Athena's wisdom. So we had better call him – I mean, unless one of you is an ass?"

Sir Mustard started to raise his hand, but his wife dealt him a good roundhouse kick to the face, knocking him out cold.

* * *

"Very well, let us summon him," Zeus concluded, after pondering the matter for seven days and seven nights. He performed the necessary rites, and then Hades appeared among a cloud of darkness. He was riding a Nimbus 2000, and had apparently been engaged in a match of Quidditch with one of his schools of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His skull head was wreathed in brilliant orange flames.

"You packaged powderpuff player!" Hades accused in his nasal voice. "How dare you interfere with my Kingdom?!?"

"I believe the proper question is 'how dare you interfere with my kingdom?!?" Zeus replied.

"What?" Hades said, cocking an eye-socket. "Are you overdosing on heroin again?"

"Why you little," Zeus began, charging his fists with raw, electrical energy.

"Guys, guys!" Hermaphrodite shouted, running between them. "Cool it! We have to solve this problem or my island will die!"

"_oooooooooooooh!_ My island will die!" Hades mocked her.

Suddenly, the entire island dove straight underwater due to some strong, newfound gravity on the southwest shore. Everyone sank to the depths of the sea but Hades. "Haw!" he cried. "_I_ have a broomstick! And Hades wins again! Hades wins again!" Suddenly an alligator snapping turtle leapt out of the sea and snapped his stick in half, causing him to fall in, too. He sank to the region known as Atlantis, where all the men were partying with the various mermaids that were tending them. Hermaphrodite was visible trying (and failing) to rally the troops to fend off the festering darkness that was rapidly spreading on the opposite shore.

When Hades finally landed he flicked his skeletal finger towards himself. "Come here, child."

Hermaphrodite came crawling towards him, crying profusely.

"Ah! My dear! Oh this will not do! Come here!" he coddled her. He embraced her in a hug and she blew snot all over his cloak.

"Oh Hades! Everyone on my island is dead, I'm a hermaphrodite, and, and, my mate's cheating on me!" she bawled.

"Big surprise there," Hades muttered.

"What?" she sniffed.

"Nothing!" Hades said quickly. "But, hey, we're both in the same boat – my headflame got snuffed out!"

Hermaphrodite pressed herself up to him. "God, that must be **so** terrible," she said soothingly. "I could make it so much better, if you let me..."  
Hades cleared his throat and threw her off. "Right – okay, I know for certain that I didn't send those dark monsters to your island, but they certainly are from my world. Please describe them to me."

Hermaphrodite complied. "Hmm," Hades dictated, "those great Guinea Pigs that you describe can only be demons from beyond the Gate of Hell. They are called," he lowered his voice, "'Beelzeboobs.' They emerge only to destroy desecrators of Olympia and those desecrators' possessions." He turned to her and narrowed his eye sockets. "You didn't desecrate Olympus, did you? I mean, it would probably have to be a pretty obvious offense."

"Well…" Hermaphrodite started bashfully. Suddenly, a nude mermaid swam between them and offered Hades a hot Tottie. He reached through her chest and pulled out her beating heart, causing her to explode.

"Please continue," Hades suggested, pocketing the heart for future use.

"Okay, DARling," Hermaphrodite said promiscuously. "I ripped out a great chunk of Mount Olympus once – that's what this island is made of – but I only did it to save myself."

"Hmm, that explains it. Since you are technically of the World of Dimness, because you are a hermaphrodite, and you are dwelling on holy ground, the Beelzeboobs' army was permitted, and delighted, to attack you."

"Oh…now I understand," Hermaphrodite said. "But what do we DO, DARling?"

Hades itched his eye sockets (as eye-less people are apparently prone to do) and said, "Now, we either kill you, or we make you either one gender of the other in order to establish you as a true god, thus making your sentence no longer valid and eventually forcing the demons to return to Hell."

"I see…thank you, Hades," she said, feeling his chin and staring lovingly into the place where his eyes should've been.

"It was my pleasure, Hermaphrodite," Hades said, "And, uh, listen….I've got some pretty exposing tapes of…children…from Beauxbatons… so if you wanna stop by the Underworld sometime with me, we could get pretty jiggy with it."

"Oh, I'd LOVE to," Hermaphrodite said, pressing up to him again. "So are we, like, going out now, or something?"

Hades stared. "Uh… I have no idea WHAT gave you that idea! Alright, you know what? The deal's off!!!"

Zeus suddenly came out of nowhere and clenched Hades's throat. "You know what Murdock?" Zeus said drunkenly. "I've had enough of your jibba-jabba. It's time to die, sucka!"

But fortunately Hades was wearing his trusty utility belt, which gave Zeus a fiery jolt to the liver. Zeus cried out and jumped back, pulling up his pants.

Hades sneered, "Your time has come, brother! Your rule has been too far extended. It's time Olympia had a new king – namely, me!"

"I think not, fiend!" Zeus spoke and unleashed his most powerful surge of lightning yet. Hades responded by unsheathing his infinitely-long blade of pure shadow and slashing madly at his brother. The two fronts collided in the middle with an unearthly TWANG and formed a titanic vortex of grey energy that scaled up farther than the eye could see. The ensuing flood of water pulled both gods into the eye of the disturbance. There they spun until the 60,000-story high collision subsided, leaving a lone golden egg-shaped prison containing the two brothers, who were trapped back-to-back.

Rhode Island resurfaced due to the displacement of water. The Beelzeboobs that had weighed the island down in the first place had washed away, but all kinds of demon warriors continued to board the island from the southwest shore.

Everyone stared as the golden, transparent egg fell to the ground with a clink and began to rotate on its axis.

"Don't even try to break through!" Hades said. "These walls are composed of all that energy you saw earlier, concentrated into an infinitely strong alloy! These will hold up till the end of time."

"Yeah, but they're got these great butterscotch cookies floating around in here!" Zeus exclaimed. He took a bite of one. "No, wait – they're peach!!! Even better!"

"Oh, Zeus, my love!" Oedipus called out. "Whatever will I do without you?"

"Hermaphrodite!" Hades called. "You can still save your island! Do you still want to?"

"Of course! More than anything!"  
"Then summon Hera!" Hades instructed.

"Ooh, you mean my sometime-sister?" Zeus exclaimed.

Hermaphrodite spoke Hera's sacred words and the goddess's nude form appeared before them all. The woman had deep violet hair that fell below her ankles. Although not beautiful in the sense that Aphrodite was, Hera had a distinct attraction about her. That attraction was caused by Hera's overwhelming essence of femininity. This essence made her the most magnetic personality of all time.

She looked at Sir Nicolas and winked. "I'll come on to you Saturday night and have an extra-marital affair with you. Understood?"

Sir Nicolas nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

"Good." Hera unstrapped her purse, which was her only article of clothing, and four men came up to hold it for her (Roderigo, Horatio, Mercutio, and Basil). "Thank you," she said, and pushed right through them, walking up to Hermaphrodite. "I have been watching your progress, Hermaphrodite, and I believe I have found a solution for you!"

"Heehee, 'Hermaphrodite!' I get it," Zeus said.

Hera ignored her husband. "It is now time for you to select a gender," she said peacefully. She motioned towards her purse. "Should you choose to embrace femininity, take up my purse. It will give its beholder complete feminine attributes."

Sirs Roderigo, Horatio, Mercutio, and Basil simultaneously dropped the purse, and, after investigating, discovered that they had all become women. "Alright, SCORE!!!" Basil exclaimed in delight, and the other three rounded on Basil and beat her to a pulp.

"Should you prefer masculinity, "Hera continued, "then search the fields for Zeus's striped coat of chest hair-it had to have survived the explosion. All who clothe themselves with it will become so masculine that they lose all notion of pain for all time!"

"Hmm…" Hermaphrodite considered, as Ladies Roderigo, Horatio, and Mercutio all took to the hills, desperately searching for the fur, while Sir Mauve put on Hera's purse.

"Either way you'll save the world, darling," Hera breathed. "Just choose something."

"I know, but…" Hermaphrodite whined, "Both genders just appeal to me SO much!"

Hera suddenly got a migraine and clenched her teeth. Hermaphrodite meditated, until she suddenly gave birth to a baby! "Whoa!" she exclaimed in joy. She held up the green-skinned male baby. "I name you…Zermaphroditeous! Destined for kingship!" She looked around at everybody ecstatically. "Okay, I've decided – I want to have 2,000 babies!" She stared at Hera manically. "I want to be a woman!!!"

Hera smiled. "Very well. Lady Mauve, if you'd be so kind?"

Lady Mauve presented the purse to Hermaphrodite, and as soon as she touched it, Hermaphrodite rocketed 20,000 kilometers into the air off the east coast, pushing the island so far west that it crashed into North America.

High above the Earth, a celestial pink aurora coated Hermaphrodite, and she transformed into a true goddess.

Down below, a new, great gravity dragged the demons underground.

In Hades's palace, Hades's loyal wife, Persephone, became the new queen of the Underworld.

The next day, all the gods attended Zermaphroditeous's coronation ceremony, marking the start of a productive new era of Olympian rule.

Back on Rhode Island, Hades continued to teach Witchcraft and Wizardry from his egg-like prison, and Oedipus welcomed Gun-Jack and Nin-Jack to the ranks of the Oedipus Knights Guild making their membership an even 19 again.

At the end of those glorious days, Hermaphrodite finally landed back on Rhode Island, and she was at peace.

Epilogue

A sweaty and beleaguered Roger Williams finally escaped the Massachusetts border and found himself in a strange, tropical wilderness quite out of place for North America. Seeking religious freedom, he desired a separate place to live where he could preach the benefits of polygamy. He hacked and hiked his way through the jungle until he came to an open region. He was stunned to see, standing at the top of a smooth, grassy hill, a woman with long, blue hair. Roger trudged up the mountainside and removed his hat. "Hello, milady!"

Before he could say another word, Hermaphrodite smiled and said, "Why, hello there! Welcome to Rhode Island!" She had become the most beautiful being of all reality, due to a combination of Aphrodite's body and the feminism from Hera's purse. "I have been waiting for you."

"Excellent…er, what?" Roger said, accidentally taking off all of his clothes.

She embraced him and whispered in his ear, "Let us populate this isle," and burrowed underground with him with the assistance of some Rhodes. They traveled to her beautiful underground palace, where she whisked him off to her bedchamber.

And that is why Rhode Island men and women are the hottest Americans of all.

_This has been a Little Treasures, Inc. Adventure_


End file.
